. . . because I'm about to serve up the whine.
Why must I be a broke cripple!?
I have been in SO much pain the last few days due to stress and the weather changing that I have NO idea what to do with myself.
I just got finished with my meeting with HR to try to muck through this insurance problem. Come to find out that I MIGHT have to pay for all the PT that did me NO DAMN GOOD ANYWAY!!!! I think I stepped into a hornets nest at work due to "turf wars," *cries* and I can't even afford the holiday at this point.
*inhale . . . exhale*
OKay, just needed to vent.
I truly hope you lovely ladies are doing better than I am.
My love, hope and spoons go out to you,
It's a completely minor problem, not really worthy of a spoon's worth of writing, but it's there.
We hates them. We hates them forever. More to the point, we hates dealing with them on a regular basis. I'm still phobic of needles. Yes, even after all this time getting stabbed with increasing regularity. Now that I have begun radiation, I'm still dealing with them. I keep getting told I would be getting small dot tattoos in order to do the radiation thing. So far it's been stickers. Sounds great, but each time I go in to have it done, I think "Is today tattoo day?" Each time I go in I'm a bundle of stress until they say "Nah, we'll do it next time." Next time rolls around, and there's the anticipation again.
At least I'm no longer so body shy that being topless in front of someone worries me. At this point I just don't care.
A couple days ago, a spider with a death wish dropped from the ceiling and paused, MI:1 style, right in front of my face. An inch or two closer, and it would have been ON me. I do not deal well with spiders. I respect life, however, spiders and I have an agreement. They stay away from me, and I do not actively kill them. They come too close or touch me, it's game over.
I have 2 other phobias, both of which I've also had to deal with. I'm not going to explain - I know the sources and how and why, it doesn't change the fact that they still make me very tense unto the point of distraction. One's fading, but slowly. The other... still there. I think the only phobia I haven't had to deal with this week is heights.
Still, all this primal fear takes a lot out of a body. It's hard sometimes.
I've been scheduled for surgery on the 29th. Simple mastectomy with reconstructive surgery.
I've been informed I will likely be getting laid-off within a week or two, unless projections stay high. (Highly unlikely.)
Every option I have for insurance and/or income has been quickly disappearing.
There are a few people who appear to be working at making my life harder, instead of easier, mostly men. I'm not even dating anyone but I have to deal with the BS of the male of the species.
I'm tired, I'm stressed, and the physical symptoms of stress are coupling themselves with that time of the month, and the remainder of chemo symptoms, which are going away but slowly.
At least my hair is starting to come back.
I have been told "For every door that closes, another opens." I beg to differ. I've been hearing nothing but slamming doors all week. I know I'll get by, but I admit to being exhausted, and having borrowed too many spoons from tomorrow and the rest of the week.
It's post-chemo, and the usual fatigue has set in. Technically, it got me last night, but now is the first little inkling of energy I've had.
One of the side-effects of chemo is chemo-brain. In my case it's causing slght hallucinations, memory loss, and other forms of brain-weirdness.
I just had this mental image of a bunch of zombies scouring for spoons. At least that's how it feels tonight. Like I'm scraping for a spoon, so I can get at least one thing accomplished instead of seeing my computer screen in double, or maybe get some work done. I hate enforced idleness.
If you have taken this drug 8mg, sublingual (Under the tongue dissolveable)- takes like cotton candy from Hades.
It's a drug they made for chemo, or rather so patients would not feel so nauseated during the process ... and since drug companies are run by Satan, wicked expensive.
However, I am uncertain that it is as effective.
Can anyone else ring in?
It's funny how many people have congradulated me on the fact that yesterday was the last round of chemo. What people don't seem to realize is that it *started* the last round of chemo, which means I still have 3 weeks of being sick, needing spoons and support to go. It ain't over until the fat lady sings, and the hair grows back.
I was at the office entirely too early. They got my chart confused with someone else's and gave me a scare that I suddenly owed a lot of money and insurance was now only covering 80% of treatment. After a few moments I insisted the receptionist double check my chart, and sure enough, smoeone else with the same last name had slipped in.
I was informed I would be able to simply go back to my sheduled appointment early, since I had come in when someone else had cancelled. Problem is, I didn't have time to put on the emla cream they gave me to numb the mediport access in my chest. I got to take the needles full bore. Fun!
The nurses were okay as usual, though they wouldn't give me a private room. Apparently I need a male escort in order to score such a blessing. This time was my first time out in the "pit" with about 10 other chemo patients. I couldn't draw without someone asking me "Oh you draw?" or a nurse walking by telling me I looked flushed and tired. Well no shit, I've been up since 3am, I'm violently allergic to the taxotere, and therefore pumped full of Benadryl which makes me drowsy. The redness is the only visible sign that I'm still allergic to the chemo drugs. We've done this the last 6 rounds now, and it hasn't changed. And no, I don't want a pillow to sleep. I don't like the idea of passing out in a room full of strangers, even if I could. Even with drugs I'm a light sleeper, and not fond of being in a room full of strangers.
After it was all over (1pm, far earlier than I had aniticpated) I went and hung out in the café under twbubbles new office, until they locked up at 4. Ater that, it was a sit outside in the shade with some overly friendly ladybugs and yellow jackets. Finally, she was off work and we returned to her place where the cramps began. I haven't had these cramps since the first round of chemo, and though I was able to control them enuogh to prevent me from having too many issues, (like tossing my cookies) it did make hanging out more difficult. Finally, I pled "owie" and went home.
It was weird, because people kept congratulating me on it being my last round. Problem is, I still have to get through it, and though I may have a brief respite at the end of October, I won't be out of the woods until well after Christmas. I still have a core biopsy (those suck) to go, a genetic test to wait on, and based on the results, either a mastectomy (one or both boobs) or radiation to go through. I've already realized my plans for Christmas/NYE are shot, and I'm pretty much going to be stuck here this year, again. I had really wanted to go do something special to make up for last's years fiasco. Ah well... I suppose having radiation done Christmas Day will give me something intresting to tell my family.
First of all, thanks for inviting me to the group. I can whine to my friends about under-going chemo and cancer treatment, but they really don't understand. It's women like you who do, because you're going through equally sucky things.
Insomnia has always been a curse, and today is my last actual chemo date. I've been awake since 3am.
Treatment won't end for another year, but this is the last of this type. Thank God, my hair will finally be able to grow back in. It still seems like a bigger mountain than the ones before. Each round has gotten progressively worse, so even if the chemical visit is done, the side-effects and symptoms last a good long time. Then once 've recovered from chemo, it's another core biopsy *shudder* and then either surgery or radiation, which both have their ups and downs, and both will make it impossible for me to do any living or traveling until after New Years. It's possible I'll be having to do radiation ON Christmas Day, which will cancel any hopes I had of going home, or visiting friends for the holiday.
Then even with surgery/radiation or whatever over in January, I still have to continue herceptin treatments for a year which will be a pain in the ass, AND I have to start working out again and spend God only knows how long trying to rebuild the muscle I've lost. It's like starting all over again. I lost 25lbs before chemo began. I've only gained back 5, but I've lost a lot of muscle. Ugh. It may be the last chemo, but the road is still going to go on for a good long time.
zja2 and I were talking last night and telling each other of our trials and tribulations, mainly of the medical kind, and then I had said "wow, you know, I should just knock off the bitching."
But bitches need spoons too sometimes.
Well, a lot of the time.
And thus this community was born from our brains. A support group, and sometime proverbial "sewing and plotting" circle.
This is a place to feel free to gripe, bitch and moan about the medical problems, the doctors, the ANYTHING, without feeling like you are being a whiner or a loser.
We are strong women, but sometimes even the strongest women will get worn away and we need some support.
<3 to all,